Rob left a comment on my blog a few days ago stating that he would like to write for my [soon to be coming] house blog. And of course I said that he was welcome to blog on any blog of mine.
So he chose to post here instead!
Without further ado, I give you:
Jonesy Time
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BIGGER. BOLDER. BOUNCIER. STUPIDER.
If you've never heard of the show MANswers, now you have. If you've never seen it, you simply don’t know what you’re missing.
The subtitle of the show is: BIGGER. BOLDER. BOUNCIER.
I know this sounds ironic, but: you have no idea how gross an understatement that subtitle is until you've had first-hand experience with this gem of American brain-washing propaganda.
The first thing I noticed when watching this show is that THE HOST IS ALWAYS YELLING EVERYTHING AT YOU. IT'S LIKE HE'S AFRAID YOU'RE GOING TO MISS ONE OF THE HUNDREDS OF UNNECESSARY FACTS THAT HE THROWS AT YOU.
In fact, the only way the show can create any sense of dynamic is with an even more abrasive barrage of sound effects and images.
So, while the host is yelling something moronic like, "BOOBS ARE LIKE SEX: EVEN WHEN THEY'RE BAD, THEY'RE PRETTY GOOD", there is a simultaneous visual bombardment of girls with really fake boobs, in really tiny bikinis, eating really big pieces of meat. And don’t forget the obligatory “BOING” sound effect that plays while these girls run around.
This is the essence of MANswers, and that’s not one word of a lie.
Some common synonyms for breasts used in this show include:
Money-makers
Fun-bags
Melons
Utters
Glorious-globes
Dynamic-duo
Firm-fruit
Knarly-knee-knockers
Ankle-anchors
Rockin’-racks
Droopy-disasters
Sag-sacks
Love-pillows
B-cup-bozonga-bonanza (Once again, totally serious)
So, even if you don't retain any of the gratuitous nuggets of knowledge that they throw at you, at least you'll accumulate amplified abilities in alliteration - you're english Professor will surely appreciate that.
As you can guess, there's some really offensive stuff in this show, but one question that totally blew my mind was this: "HOW CAN YOU TELL IF SHE HAS SAGGY BOOBS BEFORE YOU RIP HER CLOTHES OFF?"
How in the hell do they get away with this shit?
I mean, this show is single-handedly increasing stupidity in America (and Canada too; you can thank cultural imperialism for that), and the last thing we need is more idiot guys obsessed with nothing more than meat, cars, and T&A.
Anyway, I'm going to stop now before I have a stroke. If you need me, I'll be driving my Hummer to Mc Donald’s while ogling girls on the way.
Trust me, it's ok, Spike TV said so.
HERE, HERE and HERE.
- Watch. Listen. Be enlightened.
3 comments:
Wow. I am practically in tears. Oh, Jones. : D
Jonesy Time certainly needs to be a common occurance. Anybody who says things like "gratuitious nuggets of knowledge" needs a blog of their own. Amazing.
I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for the compliments Robyn and Sierra (I presume). There will surely be more posts coming in the future.
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