I kick baby seals (but not penguins).

I like when the news has nice stories. And really awesome stories of seal justice. ERGHHH, PETA. If someone is reading this and thinks the seal hunt "scandal" is worthy of terrifying costumes and pies in politicians' faces - GO AWAY.

My head is splitting today. You know that episode of The Simpsons where Homer is in 3D and at the end, while he falls into the "real world" he gets split up into a million and one pieces? That's pretty much the kind of headache I'm battling right now. (Clip found here, though in German lolz, the part I'm referring to can be found at 6:15 if you are truly curious.)

Spent last night not playing Risk with the loveliest of the lovelys. We watched Dr. Suess and war propaganda cartoons instead, hilarious really and truly. And Felix the Cat!!! Oh man, does that bring back the childhood memories.

Tonight Alex and I will be heading to the Blue Rodeo concert, perhaps followed by an evening of dancing doontoon. Shall I see you there?

We were meant to live for so much more.

I have big dreams for 2010. Mind-blowing all encompassing goals. I won't post them all here. Or any. And these aren't resolutions, I cannot fail to accomplish them. They are things to strive for, ideas to contemplate and emotions that need feeling.

What I'm trying to say is, don't worry and be happy. You're living the life you were meant to lead.

P.S. Yes, those are my babies. They are blonde and adorable and today we baked cookies.

Shudder shock of pale.

I'm piecing my peace back together, how about you?

I've felt on edge, out of sorts and completely consumed with MYSELF this past week. This past month. Or two.

When I'm going about my daily livings, one of two things will occur:

1. I feel like an absolute and massively cumbersome idiot. How is it Sarah, that you can spend so much time talking about what you're "going to do" and so little time doing it? How is it Sarah, that you cannot find the words or actions to properly comfort/encourage/love someone who needs it? How is it Sarah, that you cannot finish a degree in the same time span it takes everyone else? HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF?!

2. Or, I feel like everybody around is me a complete and total idiot. How is it McDonald's worker, that you do not know the difference between a plain sandwich and one that is covered in condiment and vegetables? How is it truck/car/van driver, that you have your license when you cannot signal to turn/merge properly/DRIVE? How is it boyfriend/best friend/family member that you cannot grasp these simple concepts I have properly outlined for you? HOW DID I GET TO BE SO MUCH SMARTER THAN EVERY ASSHAT IN THIS CITY?!

It's a funny thing, this coexisting. I never was a team player.

You know how when girls are middle school-ish age they all want to be the Hannah Montanas of the world? They dream of big stages and bright lights. Or at least, I would assume (through my careful observations as a nanny) that the average young girl does.

When I was in grade seven I fell in love with... Emily Dickinson. Although I still find her poetry astonishingly beautiful, it was her life that enthralled me when I first read of her. She was a total recluse, who never left her house and kept in touch with the important people in her life through letters. She wasn't even a known poet until after her death, when all of her poems were discovered in her room.

At the tender age of twelve, I would dream of myself becoming a reclusive poetess. It seems, much to my befuddlement, that my path to this point has been a steady one.

Mind you my tale is set in this new era - blog entries and text messages are my choice of correspondence. My poetry is a bunch of scribbles, quotes and words that rest in the coil-bound journal in my purse. Or on this site.

This post was supposed to be about the music I've been enjoying lately. It somehow progressed here. Why fight it?

But in case you need to be inspired by others through the art of song, have a listen to one, two and three.

I know that bad's got to fix itself.

I had a camera inside my body today. Ain't that cool?

It was a new one for me on the growing list of Sarah's Pointless Medical Tests. Though now that I think about it, I'm surprised it hasn't happened sooner.

Now you're thinking... the female body has seven orifices, which one?! It was not my pooper, no worries. But my left nostril saw action that no nose should ever have to deal with (the right one got just a mere tickling in comparison)!

El doctoro shoved a half of a pea sized camera down my nose and into my throat to check for the bad stuff. With absolutely NO warning I might add!!! Just a "chin up" and swish into my nose. I cried.

My appointment with the specialist (ENT) this morning gave me four things that doctor visits always bestow upon me:
1. Invasive and uncomfortable tests
2. Promises/Papers to get more invasive and uncomfortable tests
3. Appointments with other doctors (yup, they're sending me to a different specialist now)
4. No answers

Are you guys sick of hearing me talk about this? I AM SO TIRED ABOUT TALKING ABOUT THIS. I feel like I've been on repeat for the past four years of my life. Seriously, go through the blog posts. Countless ones about illness, doctor's visits, medicine prescriptions, body meltdowns, sick days and everything else that makes me want to give up and live with sub-par health for as long as people with sub-par health live.

Whiny whiny whiny whiny whine whine whiny whiny. Bitch moan bitch bitch moan.

Am I overreacting? Am I a fucking hypochondriac? I hope so, I just don't want to be a Fran Drescher or a Kylie Minogue.

It makes no difference.

You likes new? You likes old? Should I go back to the drawing board?

Is the new one too cliched? Should I draw one by hand like the old one? Is photoshopping cool with all you cats?

If you have any opinions on the new header I'd like to hear them. :)

I fall asleep in hospital parking lots.

I finally got up the gumption to dye my hair back to brown. Most often I am a summer blonde, autumn brunette. But this year I have been CLINGING to summer, because I depressingly squandered mine away. I don't think there is anyone who lives here who would confuse January as a summer month. SUCK IT UP, MY DEAR.

I am now toying with the idea of taking the scissors to it. When looking at these pictures I was shocked to see how long it has gotten! I'm thinking tons of layers and just a general BIGNESS. Not high school mall kid or anything, just less sleek and more fun. Or maybe not, I don't know. My hair is never something I can definitively decide upon (as is evident by the number of hair polls this blog has seen since it began).

And something cute I found on some random crafter's blog. How to feel miserable as an artist:
1. Constantly compare yourself to other artists.
2. Talk to your family about what you do and expect them to cheer you on.
3. Base your success of your entire career on one project.
4. Stick with what you know.
5. Undervalue your expertise.
6. Let money dictate what you do.
7. Bow to societal pressures.
8. Only do work that your family would love.
9. Do whatever the client/customer/gallery owner/patron/investor asks.
10. Set unachievable overwhelming goals to be accomplished by tomorrow.

Alex².

One of my Christmas presents from Alex was this badass dude - a handmaid ookpik. For those of you who might not know, I "collect" ookpiks (meaning I have one that I drunkenly purchased while in Iqaluit). Traditionally, they are little owls around three inches tall made of seal skin.

Alex carved a piece of wood and covered it partially in fur and then individually glued on each feather. Do you remember seeing him whittle on his front deck this summer? Ookpik II was what he was working on and yes he exuded months of effort. I've found me a special lad.

I went on a VERY important date this week with Ms. Robyn McHugh. She is my true love and never ceases to amaze me with her creativeness and hilariousness. Or the fact that her heart is so loving that it shines right through the very words she speaks!

I wish everyone could have a Robyn in their lives and sometimes I dwell on the fact that in a couple years we might not be able to live in the same city - or maybe even the same country AHEM. But wherever life leads us I know we'll be able to continue our not-so-secret love affair. We have the kind of relationship that spans time zones or whatever else comes our way.

For those who are curious about my plans for this semester, here they are! I am going back to school part-time, distance classes only. This is so I am free to make my own schedule and not feel so CONFINED by my studying and subsequent grades. Somewhere between my first and forth year of university I lost my inability to separate school and life. Both suffered because of it.

This means I will be working part-time with, you guessed it, DRC and the three hooligans. I'm really excited to be child rearing again, especially since it's a make-my-own-schedule kind of deal. How lucky am I! DRC actually screamed and danced with happiness for almost ten minutes when I told her I'd like to come back. I am very much feeling the love.

I am slowly trying to regain my blog mojo. 40 posts for 2009? I think that says a lot about the kind of year I endured. Like you know whatever.

But we've got our love to pay the bills.

Ah, the holiday recap. Christmas with Alex was truly magical. New Year's Eve was very memorable. Christmas Eve Alex and I visited his dad's house and my parent's house and arrived home around one a.m. to open our presents/stockings for one another.

Christmas morning his sister Chelsea dropped off all of MY presents from HIS family. And let me just say I have never been quite so flabbergasted. There had to be at the very least twenty, one from almost everyone on his mom's side of the family. (And phenomenally well picked out to boot, everything from a new laptop bag to tickets for a concert in January)

We then went to our respective parents' homes and met up later that day to hang out with my family. We spent a TON of time with my parents this holiday season, thank you Alex for coming with me so I wouldn't go crazy. :)

My dad taught Alex how to tie a tie, d'aw:
New Year's Eve was spent at McKayla and Phil's, and oh what a time! There were dips and chips to be had, as well as Mario Party 8 for Moo and I (invite me up again soon Moo for a rematch!). The night took the concept of drunkenness to a whole new level. Though just three coolers for me! I've lost interest in drinking over the past few months for some reason.


And I carried on one of my favourite Christmas traditions, driving around and looking at Christmas lights! This house looked like Christmas had up and barfed on it. Not only were their CARS covered in lights along with the holiday music blaring, but all of the lights individually flashed in time with the music. It took several minutes for me to get a shot with all of the lights on at once:

Belated holiday wishes to you all! xo.

I am not my own, for I have been made new.

I remember Meagan and I used to joke that our lives would probably end when we turned twenty or so because we couldn't imagine them after that point. We had no idea what we'd be doing - what we'd even want to be doing. In our youth there is very little room to wiggle off the path that our parents or society tell us to follow.

But somewhere between high school graduation and our early twenties we are expected to forge a place in this world for ourselves. We're given no tools, little guidance, and lots of opportunities to fail.

Up until 2009 nothing exceptionally bad had ever happened to me. Nothing exceptionally great either. Basically, nothing exceptional. There were very few, if any, life changing moments.

2009 chewed me up and spat me out. It gave me feelings I can tell you right now that I have never felt before. How do you go two decades without experiencing every feeling there is to feel? I don't know. I wouldn't have believed it a year ago.

Never have I shed more tears. Never before have I experienced more moments of disbelief, anguish, mourning, love, humbleness, forgetfulness, gratefulness - every emotion ever times a thousand.

At the end of '08 I moved out of my parent's house and into THE MOST EXCEPTIONAL PLACE ON EARTH. Fuck Disney World, because Merrymeeting was WHERE IT WAS AT. I lived with two of the most strong and amazing women I have ever met (as well as a kindhearted sailor and a lovely Frenchman) and without them I would have crashed and burned during the very first month.

There I found the first boy I have ever said "I love you" to. In February he made me a mixed tape (literally), slipped love notes under my bedroom door and has loved me unconditionally ever since. Sometimes I wonder if all the strife and grief I've gone through this year is the karmic justice I pay for getting to have someone so wonderful in my life. Then I wonder if the depths of my emotions have just stretched. I guess I'll never know. But I wouldn't trade him for anything - not even a pony.

I responded to an ad on the job bank in January so I could pay my rent. As a result I spent the year helping raise three of the most ridiculous and hilariously amazing kids I've ever met. That family kept me afloat. They gave me a reason to drag myself out of bed after tragedy struck me again and again. Every time I was angry with God, with the world, it just took an afternoon of shooting aliens in the park to make me realize that everything is always moving. Time is always ticking. Why waste it being angry when I could be having fun?

I lost both of my maternal grandparents within the span of one month this summer. And to be honest, I haven't been the same since. My grandmother's death... I still can't talk about it. I still can't think about it without crying. I loved, I LOVE, her so fiercely. Always have and always will. I think I might have to leave it at that.

At the end of September I moved in with my boyfriend. It was a decision I don't regret, though I would have to say if I had my time back I'd want some more roomies. It gets super lonely/easy to be reclusive. This is a chapter of my life that I'm still writing so we'll have to come back to this one at the end of 2010.

The end of 2009 kicked my ass. A lot of stuff built up and up and up until OH MY GOODNESS WHAT A SURPRISE SARAH'S BODY AND MIND CAN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE. And splat, the two collapsed and failed. I have been to the doctor about a dozen times in the past couple months. I have received no answers and my questions keep building. My last doctor's visit ended with my mom screaming at my doctor and me searching for a new one. For the first time in my university career I actually had to have some of my exams deferred.

But thanks to thousands of years of Chinese medicine, I've gained solace in acupuncture (that stuff REALLY works!). I also have an appointment with a specialist in two weeks. Answers will be gained! And my fear of having fear (or my anxiety about having anxiety) can be overcome. I will not let the wrongs and insecurities of 2009 leak into my shiny new 2010.

So that was my year. Sure there was other stuff, but these are the memories that stick out. This is the stuff that has shaped me into the Sarah of 2010. May the Sarah of 2011 be so lucky.