Saying goodbye.

I lost another one in the good fight. With the departure of Skip jr. I am left with only one remaining first generation Stephenville family member (and it's Dave so it doesn't even really count).

Mr. Jones came up Saturday night before his departure and the way I was carrying on you'd think I was leaving. I couldn't stop talking or reminiscing (remember the first time we hung out in St. John's? Remember that night I had to hide in your grandma's bathroom to talk to your ex? Remember. Remember. Remember).

I was sad because Mr. Jones was sad. And I was sad to lose someone I could always rely on without any sort of anything being involved. That probably doesn't make sense. Mr. Jones never made me feel anything bad like regular friends do. There was never a sense of obligation between us. We just were what we were when we could be and that was enough.

(... are you crying yet Robert, lolz?)

I'm just trying to get across that I lost someone I've shared a history with for the past SEVEN YEARS. And I am sad that it has come to an end.

I started this blog to keep in touch with my friends Meagan and Josh while I lived in Stephenville. When we all moved out here I continued it so Leah could feel in the loop of my life. When she moved out here, Holly moved backed there and so it made sense to keep at it still.

But even with Mr. Jones departure I am unsure that the Little Blog that Could may continue. It no longer feels right to post here anymore. Somewhere along the way the five or six people I gave links to multiplied into an average of fifteen to twenty different computers checking this little blog every day (yeah, I can see you). I don't think I even have that many friends!

The general lurking puts me off and the same reasons I don't have Facebook are the same reasons that posting here doesn't feel good anymore. I have debated on making it protected, deleting it all together or just changing the url. I'll probably go with the later decision of changing the url, because it is well loved by the people who take the time to comment and check like five times a day. And it is well loved by me!

I thought I would post about this now on the off chance I make a rushed decision and change things up. Here's hoping I see you on the other side! :)

Shudder shock of pale.

I'm piecing my peace back together, how about you?

I've felt on edge, out of sorts and completely consumed with MYSELF this past week. This past month. Or two.

When I'm going about my daily livings, one of two things will occur:

1. I feel like an absolute and massively cumbersome idiot. How is it Sarah, that you can spend so much time talking about what you're "going to do" and so little time doing it? How is it Sarah, that you cannot find the words or actions to properly comfort/encourage/love someone who needs it? How is it Sarah, that you cannot finish a degree in the same time span it takes everyone else? HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF?!

2. Or, I feel like everybody around is me a complete and total idiot. How is it McDonald's worker, that you do not know the difference between a plain sandwich and one that is covered in condiment and vegetables? How is it truck/car/van driver, that you have your license when you cannot signal to turn/merge properly/DRIVE? How is it boyfriend/best friend/family member that you cannot grasp these simple concepts I have properly outlined for you? HOW DID I GET TO BE SO MUCH SMARTER THAN EVERY ASSHAT IN THIS CITY?!

It's a funny thing, this coexisting. I never was a team player.

You know how when girls are middle school-ish age they all want to be the Hannah Montanas of the world? They dream of big stages and bright lights. Or at least, I would assume (through my careful observations as a nanny) that the average young girl does.

When I was in grade seven I fell in love with... Emily Dickinson. Although I still find her poetry astonishingly beautiful, it was her life that enthralled me when I first read of her. She was a total recluse, who never left her house and kept in touch with the important people in her life through letters. She wasn't even a known poet until after her death, when all of her poems were discovered in her room.

At the tender age of twelve, I would dream of myself becoming a reclusive poetess. It seems, much to my befuddlement, that my path to this point has been a steady one.

Mind you my tale is set in this new era - blog entries and text messages are my choice of correspondence. My poetry is a bunch of scribbles, quotes and words that rest in the coil-bound journal in my purse. Or on this site.

This post was supposed to be about the music I've been enjoying lately. It somehow progressed here. Why fight it?

But in case you need to be inspired by others through the art of song, have a listen to one, two and three.

But we've got our love to pay the bills.

Ah, the holiday recap. Christmas with Alex was truly magical. New Year's Eve was very memorable. Christmas Eve Alex and I visited his dad's house and my parent's house and arrived home around one a.m. to open our presents/stockings for one another.

Christmas morning his sister Chelsea dropped off all of MY presents from HIS family. And let me just say I have never been quite so flabbergasted. There had to be at the very least twenty, one from almost everyone on his mom's side of the family. (And phenomenally well picked out to boot, everything from a new laptop bag to tickets for a concert in January)

We then went to our respective parents' homes and met up later that day to hang out with my family. We spent a TON of time with my parents this holiday season, thank you Alex for coming with me so I wouldn't go crazy. :)

My dad taught Alex how to tie a tie, d'aw:
New Year's Eve was spent at McKayla and Phil's, and oh what a time! There were dips and chips to be had, as well as Mario Party 8 for Moo and I (invite me up again soon Moo for a rematch!). The night took the concept of drunkenness to a whole new level. Though just three coolers for me! I've lost interest in drinking over the past few months for some reason.


And I carried on one of my favourite Christmas traditions, driving around and looking at Christmas lights! This house looked like Christmas had up and barfed on it. Not only were their CARS covered in lights along with the holiday music blaring, but all of the lights individually flashed in time with the music. It took several minutes for me to get a shot with all of the lights on at once:

Belated holiday wishes to you all! xo.

I am not my own, for I have been made new.

I remember Meagan and I used to joke that our lives would probably end when we turned twenty or so because we couldn't imagine them after that point. We had no idea what we'd be doing - what we'd even want to be doing. In our youth there is very little room to wiggle off the path that our parents or society tell us to follow.

But somewhere between high school graduation and our early twenties we are expected to forge a place in this world for ourselves. We're given no tools, little guidance, and lots of opportunities to fail.

Up until 2009 nothing exceptionally bad had ever happened to me. Nothing exceptionally great either. Basically, nothing exceptional. There were very few, if any, life changing moments.

2009 chewed me up and spat me out. It gave me feelings I can tell you right now that I have never felt before. How do you go two decades without experiencing every feeling there is to feel? I don't know. I wouldn't have believed it a year ago.

Never have I shed more tears. Never before have I experienced more moments of disbelief, anguish, mourning, love, humbleness, forgetfulness, gratefulness - every emotion ever times a thousand.

At the end of '08 I moved out of my parent's house and into THE MOST EXCEPTIONAL PLACE ON EARTH. Fuck Disney World, because Merrymeeting was WHERE IT WAS AT. I lived with two of the most strong and amazing women I have ever met (as well as a kindhearted sailor and a lovely Frenchman) and without them I would have crashed and burned during the very first month.

There I found the first boy I have ever said "I love you" to. In February he made me a mixed tape (literally), slipped love notes under my bedroom door and has loved me unconditionally ever since. Sometimes I wonder if all the strife and grief I've gone through this year is the karmic justice I pay for getting to have someone so wonderful in my life. Then I wonder if the depths of my emotions have just stretched. I guess I'll never know. But I wouldn't trade him for anything - not even a pony.

I responded to an ad on the job bank in January so I could pay my rent. As a result I spent the year helping raise three of the most ridiculous and hilariously amazing kids I've ever met. That family kept me afloat. They gave me a reason to drag myself out of bed after tragedy struck me again and again. Every time I was angry with God, with the world, it just took an afternoon of shooting aliens in the park to make me realize that everything is always moving. Time is always ticking. Why waste it being angry when I could be having fun?

I lost both of my maternal grandparents within the span of one month this summer. And to be honest, I haven't been the same since. My grandmother's death... I still can't talk about it. I still can't think about it without crying. I loved, I LOVE, her so fiercely. Always have and always will. I think I might have to leave it at that.

At the end of September I moved in with my boyfriend. It was a decision I don't regret, though I would have to say if I had my time back I'd want some more roomies. It gets super lonely/easy to be reclusive. This is a chapter of my life that I'm still writing so we'll have to come back to this one at the end of 2010.

The end of 2009 kicked my ass. A lot of stuff built up and up and up until OH MY GOODNESS WHAT A SURPRISE SARAH'S BODY AND MIND CAN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE. And splat, the two collapsed and failed. I have been to the doctor about a dozen times in the past couple months. I have received no answers and my questions keep building. My last doctor's visit ended with my mom screaming at my doctor and me searching for a new one. For the first time in my university career I actually had to have some of my exams deferred.

But thanks to thousands of years of Chinese medicine, I've gained solace in acupuncture (that stuff REALLY works!). I also have an appointment with a specialist in two weeks. Answers will be gained! And my fear of having fear (or my anxiety about having anxiety) can be overcome. I will not let the wrongs and insecurities of 2009 leak into my shiny new 2010.

So that was my year. Sure there was other stuff, but these are the memories that stick out. This is the stuff that has shaped me into the Sarah of 2010. May the Sarah of 2011 be so lucky.

Purely politics.

I still don't have internet, but I couldn't resist stealing a signal to post this:

Sanity map.

Sierra and I decided to map out our progress into cracked-off land. Where are you?

Pretty good.

The character of Joey Miller will now be played by actor Larry David.


Work has taken over my life really. If I'm not working, I'm sleeping. The days are kind of blending together in a mesh called my life.

I seek solace in reading and music. The people in this house (both those who live here and those who are here all the time) have been keeping me sane and happy. Not very sober though.

It's midterm break now. Are you home?

Merrymeeting: an HBO production.

I spend my Sunday mornings with Sierra. It is a tradition. She doesn't work Sundays and McKayla usually works, so we always have our special bonding times then.

Today we discussed (while sitting outside in frigid cold) how our life would make a great CBC sitcom. So we decided to write a proposal and name the cast. This is what we came up with:

Blaire Waldorf as Sierra Skinner
Tyra Banks as Sarah Smith
Megan Fox as McKayla Reilly
The Nerd from Breakfast Club as Joey Miller
Dawson as Philippe LamarreShia Lebeouf as Patrick Leonard
Robert Pattinson as Gerard Noseworthy
Audrey Tautou as Amkiram Jarl
Brian Wilson as Alex Noftall
Pete Wentz as Robert Jones
Stanford Blatch as Susan Piercey
and Robyn McHugh as herself

I are cancerous.

It's cool to know nothing.

Today was Remembrance day. Instead of reiterating what I've said in previous posts, let's talk about something else.

Music? I sure love it. This song has been stuck in my head ALL DAY. Loves me some new Kaiser Chiefs too. Oh, and this song from the Amelie soundtrack makes me wish I could compose music for piano with any sort of efficiency. Well. I did co-write Mendelssohn Monster. I'm going to have to dig footage of that up.

Since this has turned into some sort of a demented version of a love list, I might as well keep going.

Loving diet Ginger Ale and the beautiful friends who brave the cold to get it for me.

Love making plans with my super cool awesome Robynsky for super cool awesome extravaganzas.

Totally love the word: extravaganza. Say it aloud a few times... extravaganza, extravaganza... don't you feel wealthier!

I love an event where I can go and make crafts out of recyclables (pictures to come!), eat bacon and pancakes and celebrate with friends ALL IN THE SAME NIGHT.

Love predicting futures. No matter how screwed my friends are. :)

LOVE YOU.

And I loves me some Degrassi Junior High. Currently in the middle of season three and it is ROCKIN'. Spike had her kid and Shane has finally stopped being a douche bag and is giving half of his allowance to help support them. 'BOUT TIME. And man, Lucy sure goes for the pervs. And Allison, oh Allison! How you slay me.

Heavenly hummus.

Third generation Stephenville family proudly presents:

Dip and Dessert Night
(aka Encore to Sarah's Birthday)

I'll be posting the photos from my special spectacular amazing birthday party tomorrow, so stay tuned.

Full of these endless rhymes.

I just started watching ANTM season five, and I have made a discovery:
Robyn McHugh has a doppelganger! Isn't the resemblance uncanny?!

Yous a model, Robyn! :D

Julia.