I am not my own, for I have been made new.

I remember Meagan and I used to joke that our lives would probably end when we turned twenty or so because we couldn't imagine them after that point. We had no idea what we'd be doing - what we'd even want to be doing. In our youth there is very little room to wiggle off the path that our parents or society tell us to follow.

But somewhere between high school graduation and our early twenties we are expected to forge a place in this world for ourselves. We're given no tools, little guidance, and lots of opportunities to fail.

Up until 2009 nothing exceptionally bad had ever happened to me. Nothing exceptionally great either. Basically, nothing exceptional. There were very few, if any, life changing moments.

2009 chewed me up and spat me out. It gave me feelings I can tell you right now that I have never felt before. How do you go two decades without experiencing every feeling there is to feel? I don't know. I wouldn't have believed it a year ago.

Never have I shed more tears. Never before have I experienced more moments of disbelief, anguish, mourning, love, humbleness, forgetfulness, gratefulness - every emotion ever times a thousand.

At the end of '08 I moved out of my parent's house and into THE MOST EXCEPTIONAL PLACE ON EARTH. Fuck Disney World, because Merrymeeting was WHERE IT WAS AT. I lived with two of the most strong and amazing women I have ever met (as well as a kindhearted sailor and a lovely Frenchman) and without them I would have crashed and burned during the very first month.

There I found the first boy I have ever said "I love you" to. In February he made me a mixed tape (literally), slipped love notes under my bedroom door and has loved me unconditionally ever since. Sometimes I wonder if all the strife and grief I've gone through this year is the karmic justice I pay for getting to have someone so wonderful in my life. Then I wonder if the depths of my emotions have just stretched. I guess I'll never know. But I wouldn't trade him for anything - not even a pony.

I responded to an ad on the job bank in January so I could pay my rent. As a result I spent the year helping raise three of the most ridiculous and hilariously amazing kids I've ever met. That family kept me afloat. They gave me a reason to drag myself out of bed after tragedy struck me again and again. Every time I was angry with God, with the world, it just took an afternoon of shooting aliens in the park to make me realize that everything is always moving. Time is always ticking. Why waste it being angry when I could be having fun?

I lost both of my maternal grandparents within the span of one month this summer. And to be honest, I haven't been the same since. My grandmother's death... I still can't talk about it. I still can't think about it without crying. I loved, I LOVE, her so fiercely. Always have and always will. I think I might have to leave it at that.

At the end of September I moved in with my boyfriend. It was a decision I don't regret, though I would have to say if I had my time back I'd want some more roomies. It gets super lonely/easy to be reclusive. This is a chapter of my life that I'm still writing so we'll have to come back to this one at the end of 2010.

The end of 2009 kicked my ass. A lot of stuff built up and up and up until OH MY GOODNESS WHAT A SURPRISE SARAH'S BODY AND MIND CAN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE. And splat, the two collapsed and failed. I have been to the doctor about a dozen times in the past couple months. I have received no answers and my questions keep building. My last doctor's visit ended with my mom screaming at my doctor and me searching for a new one. For the first time in my university career I actually had to have some of my exams deferred.

But thanks to thousands of years of Chinese medicine, I've gained solace in acupuncture (that stuff REALLY works!). I also have an appointment with a specialist in two weeks. Answers will be gained! And my fear of having fear (or my anxiety about having anxiety) can be overcome. I will not let the wrongs and insecurities of 2009 leak into my shiny new 2010.

So that was my year. Sure there was other stuff, but these are the memories that stick out. This is the stuff that has shaped me into the Sarah of 2010. May the Sarah of 2011 be so lucky.

And these wars; they can never be won.

Alex and I went to the mall immediately after he got off work yesterday. Why do you ask? The latest Muse album, The Resistance, dropped yesterday. We had a listening party planned (with Mr. Jones included of course, him being my fellow Muse lover for the past half decade). Needless to say, we had high hopes.

Muse has been my most favourite band for a long time, a really really long time. Their last album, Black Holes and Revelations, really did it for a lot of people. They generated this whole new fan base with their overproduced catchy tunes. Some nice stuff to play on Guitar Hero, I'm sure.

Now don't get me wrong, I enjoyed their last album. It wasn't the Muse I remembered, but bands always change with the times. It was a new Muse, but one I was open to, one I purchased and listened to with love in my heart.

Muse has kind of taken a back seat since 2006 for me. Amazing albums have come out since then and I have been focusing my attention on them. But I waited for this new album. I waited and I prayed real hard, give me something that will blow my mind!

It blew my mind the wrong way.

Gone were the bass beats that had me pounding my hands on the steering wheel. No longer was Matt Bellamy singing his falsetto out loud and proud, instead he kept a tight grasp on it, I kept on waiting for something more... edgy. Most songs were an obscure power ballad, as if Timbaland had mixed a Queen song. I was, and am, very disappointed.

There are a couple good songs. As we listened through them we kept hoping that the three part symphony at the end would somehow make up for it, that the band had invested in these three songs the most. Unfortunately they were no different from the rest of the album.

I'm not saying don't listen to it, it might be your taste! I'm just really surprised to find that this is Muse's taste now. I'll probably keep listening and maybe it will grow on me. A brief perusing about the internets this morning displayed rave reviews all around. Shows how much I know.

Muse has definitely evolved, they're entering the spacey electronic future at full force. Unfortunately for me, as previously stated, I'm just not big on change.


Edit: this review dude must read my blog, apparently I'm not alone in my opinion.

Dropping the lighter.

Things I don't like:

Headaches
Kitty howling into the night because she is in heat
Not getting a student loan
Dirty dishes
Having to buy five books for one class
School itself
Being unemployed
Being employed
Having a cough for seventeen days (and counting!)
Milk going bad before I can drink it all
Distance classes
Having to print off a 184 paged manual for my distance class
Doctor appointments
Pokemon
Assholes

At this moment I am not looking on the bright side of things. But give me cough free lungs, a murder mystery night and a new book and I'll be good to go.

Speaking of which, I've been reading like crazy in 2009. Here are the books I've read so far this year and I recommend them (minus The Summoning, it sucked) to you!

River Thieves by Michael Crummey
The Summoning by Kelly Armstrong
A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray
Rebel Angels by Libba Bray
The Sweet Far Thing by Libba Bray

Yeah, I've been on a fantasy kick. But River Thieves was probably the best, holy cow the amount of research he must have done to write that book.

What have you been reading, hmm?