Ain't no grave gonna hold my body down.

I finished up the nanny gig on Wednesday, oh how bittersweet. As it was nearing the end of the day I grew more and more excited... freedom was on the horizon! But as I was getting ready to go, I found myself lingering over goodbyes - bestowing many more kisses and snuggles than any little boy wants to receive.

And when they brought out a cake, sang me a thank you song, and put two dozen roses in my arms, well, I teared up. I AIN'T GONNA LIE. But it was the pleading from Mommy DRC that got me. Homegirl just wants someone to love on her kids. And man do I love those kids. I made promises to return, took the car seats from my car and drove home.

I woke up the next day with a bizarre feeling that I was forgetting something. I've been watching these kids for nine months, I saw them more often than I did my friends or family. I think it will be awhile before I stop planning outings and crafts in my head. Even longer to stop the worrying, thinking, loving and motheringness in me.

I didn't know what to do yesterday, free time is so foreign now. Robyn and Heather came up for some meaningful what-do-we-do-now chats. WE'RE ON THE CUSP OF BEING ADULTS, ARE YOU NOT SCARED? We made plans and promises to make it a good year. School likes to take you down and we are ready to build each other up. We're kicking off [the notoriously bad month of] September with a silly sleepover (because sometimes all it takes is a bad chick flick and a bitching round of truth and dare to take you out of your head).

And though this summer has easily been the worst most hardest most emotionally draining and tiring one of my life, I am ready to move on and start fresh. To leave my depression in the dust. To see the friends I've been avoiding (I'm sorry friends, you are just too astute at reading my emotions. One cannot hide from ones self if they are being made aware of ones self by another), to live the life I want to lead, trust in my faith and karmic justice and be happy.

The young and restless.

Last Monday I was involved in a fender bender, well I guess it would be more accurately described as a fender scratcher. Today I was called by the police and informed that she has filed a report with them. She has back pain you see. Back pain caused by our scratchy accident. Aren't these the kinds of stories that go down as ruining lives? Or at least insurance rates. I'm interested to see how the system will work for me.

Joey is home and that means happy warm fuzzy times. He has a fancy new car and the same Joey goodness, it is just not the same when he isn't here.

It looks like the Merrymeeting ladies will be disbanding (on good terms of course!). As McKayla finds herself searching for a place with Phil and Sierra and I join forces with Allan. Of course the housing market in St. John's is ridiculous right now (I'm not complaining, we're pretty much the only city in North America not feeling the recession, yay black gold), so no one has found anything. IT'S ALL RENTED UP, FOLKS.

And I'm finishing up work next week! I will miss my blonde children, but I'm pretty ecstatic to do the school bit again. I've been asked by my employer if I know anyone who wants my job. Part-time nanny work, anyone?

July (oh please don't Facebook these faces).

The moral of July:
One must always swim in city pools during the day, doing said activity during evening hours will have one of the following results:
- Being chased out of pool in underwears by policing figures
- Losing shoes
- Six inch gashes on legs
- Paddy wagon scares
- Getting caught by a running police figure who then insists that you may not put on your bra
- Scaring the shit out of everyone, both involved and indirectly involved
Or that could all happen. On your 19th birthday. Silly friends. Happy birthday Brittany!

Doesn't humidity suck? This summer is so sticky! I'm glad I don't live in the south, I would melt away.

No more sushi.

Prepare my place.

I no longer blog. But oh if you could see my art journals and scrapbooks, filled with art and love from these few months. I'll post scans of some soon.

Life is hard. I no longer know what to make of it.

My grandmother died just a little over a month ago. I'm finally making sense of it and moving on the way I should. But it seems the summer of 2009 is for grieving. My Poppy Fudge died last night. Is this getting tiring for anyone else?

In the run of a year I went from having four living grandparents to just one. The frightening part of this is it's just the beginning. Next parents, aunts and uncles. Cousins, siblings. Friends.

And I realize it's all a scary circle, that dealing with this stuff is the price you pay for living a beautiful life.

Knowing this doesn't make anything easier.

I won't be heading west for the funeral, I can't handle another so soon. I'll do my grieving here, without family, without anyone who even knows my grandfather's name.

Oh the emotions.